Talking to my therapist today, I told her that it has been hard struggling with the repercussions of my decision to stop drinking. As happy as I am sober, I have become raw and exposed. So much stuff was buried. So many years of ignoring problems I never wanted to confront. There have been issues from my past that I have needed to work through and accept that I didn't know were there. It has been tough forcing myself to shine a light on this. I never felt the need to stand up

During my TLC newcomer meeting this morning, some of the ladies shared about the inner addict telling them they can drink again. Now that they have been sober for a while, maybe they don't really have a problem. Some of them have relapsed a few times in the month act I have known them. They come onto the meetings, red eyed from crying and admit to the three day bender they have just finished, and it breaks my heart. Because I know all too well that feelings of shame and disap

I often wonder if my problems with drinking took off in college, simply due to the culture in which it was encouraged. I know that I was introduced to drinking in high school, so it wasn't like it was my first experience. But when I think back on my experiences with alcohol, I think of GA as when I dipped my toe in the drinking pool and then Colby is when I dove in headfirst. When I talk about Colby, I refer to it as the four best years of my life. Finally, I was able to make

Today on my TLC meeting, Vanessa spoke of her journey. She mentioned the feeling of finally finding the perfect buzz at work making a cocktail and looking in the mirror at work. She thought to herself, this is the best feeling. But it was 2pm. She also then thought, but how is this sustainable? I have absolutely had that EXACT same thought. It's not sustainable. I couldn't keep drinking like I was. But the question I keep wondering as I embark on my 53rd day of whatever, is a

Why do I remember specific, traumatic memories so well from my past? Why do these haunting images stand out so vividly when I can't remember what I did for my daughter's birthday two years ago? Why is it that things that made me so mad haunt me years later? Why is it that memories deep from within a drunken blackout suddenly become vividly clear after many years? Instead, I desperately lay in bed wanting so badly to envision the setup of the hospital room when Parker was born

Yesterday, I told my sister about my new found sobriety. I had finished a long talk with my dad, and I was hoping for some support. I was hoping to feel comfort, to feel that I was continuing on with my story, moving forward, controlling my narrative. I didn't find that comfort or support, whatsoever. I am not sure why I was surprised by this. We are not particularly close anymore, we don't see each other much or talk really anymore. She started going on about my mom and her

Today I listened to a podcast on gray area drinking and I never realized how much that term depicts exactly what I experienced as a drinker. I hung out in between the two extremes of being a normal, controlled drinker and rock bottom. I was neither one. I lingered in the gray area for so long, and I was stuck on the drinking merry-go-round. For so long, I would go through phases where I would try to moderate. I would stop drinking from Monday to Wednesday, but then go balls o

My dad always said there are good addictions and bad addictions. I remember the last time he said this to me in Florida, about a year ago, sitting beside his pool as the sun was setting at my favorite time of day - the golden hour. Happy hour. He was on one of his long rants about how vital exercise is to daily life and why he works out two to three times a day. Walking, weights, swimming. I love working out too, but I knew what he was getting at with me. I rolled my eyes at

I know that it is normal to have a range of emotions on a daily basis. It is also normal for those emotions to flip flop back and forth on an hourly basis, so I'm told. The last few days I guess I need to admit that I felt a bit resentful and angry at various points throughout my day. I am angry about my situation. I'm angry that this is "my thing," as they would say in The Luckiest Club. There I said it. I am pissed. There are many layers to this. I am grateful that I have i

Today, I joined my first newcomers sobriety meeting through TLC. It was a group of about 20 women from across the country, mostly all new in their journey of sobriety. I wasn't going to join the meeting. I wanted to get my workout in, I wanted to do some writing and listen to a podcast instead as my "self care" for the day. Evan is working from home, so I wanted to just get my stuff done in the office before he took over the room. But I knew this was my only opportunity to ha

I have never liked receiving pity from anyone. It makes me cringe when people feel sorry for me. Over the years I wondered why I felt this way, and for a long time I thought that maybe this is because my mother always craved people's pity because she was dealt a few tough blows in life. When my dad left my mom and when I was coming to terms with the fact he was gay around 15 years ago, I felt so much pity from those close to me, especially early on when I was in college. Ever

The evolution of the mommy wine culture is a topic that has been widely discussed in the sober support groups for the last several years. This isn't anything new. Moms began to come out and take a stance against this culture as soon as it became glorified, bringing to light the issues this concept so obviously ignored. Promiting functional alcoholism. Teaching our kids that alcohol is the only way to cope. Making kids feel like burdens. Etc. There is obviously so much wrong

One of the greatest benefits that I have found in the last 5 weeks is that my sleep has improved drastically. I was always someone who struggled with sleep, falling asleep or staying asleep, for the last ten years or so. I experimented with all kids of sleep aids from over the counter to prescription drugs, but always ended up using wine to soothe me to sleep in the end. I know that my sleep issues really began when I had children. I certainly was never the easiest person to

In general, I have been doing well lately and feeling great about my sobriety. Feeling happy about the steps I am taking, talking to others confidently about the decisions I am making and excited about by this energy that I have. I am currently reading "The Sober Diaries," by Clare Pooley, and I find this author incredibly personable and endearing. She is a lot like me. She describes her addicts voice as the wine witch, which is similar to how Catherine Gray calls her voice V

During this morning's New Years day meeting, the moderator, Brooke shared the following reading by Mary Oliver called, "The Journey." One day you finally knew What you had to do, and began, Though the voices around you Kept shouting Their bad advice‚ Though the whole house Began to tremble And you felt the old tug At your ankles. “Mend my life!” Each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do, Though the wind pried With its stiff fingers At the very foundat