I know that it is normal to have a range of emotions on a daily basis. It is also normal for those emotions to flip flop back and forth on an hourly basis, so I'm told.
The last few days I guess I need to admit that I felt a bit resentful and angry at various points throughout my day. I am angry about my situation. I'm angry that this is "my thing," as they would say in The Luckiest Club. There I said it. I am pissed.
There are many layers to this. I am grateful that I have in a way rediscovered myself, and for that I am happy. I have a newfound energy and appreciation for my kids and my everyday life. I feel more present with them and am making more of an effort to be a better parent. I am sleeping better and no longer need drugs for sleep. I am enjoying everyday activities that I used to never want to do. So much self care instead of self abuse. I don't feel irritated by normal things that used to bother me like laundry, working out or cooking. I really enjoy food AND dessert. I find enjoyment in little things like getting up early to walk the dog. I have an appreciation for being outside and take long walks every afternoon. I enjoy reading again and more importantly have begun to write, obviously. I don't waste my days hungover, laying around being lazy, especially on the weekends. I am productive. I have more time in the day to get things done. Everyday. My overall health - stomach and headaches are better. My memory is obviously great - I don't have fuzzy, blacked out memories from the night before from drinking. I have gained a much better perspective on things, and feel like I have a better sense of what is important in this world - booze isn't all that matters. My skin is better and healthier. So in general, I am SO much happier and there is so much good that has come from sobriety. SO MUCH. But I still have a bit of a chip on my shoulder, when it comes to relationships and friendships.
I am irritated that none of my friends have to do this hard work. Why is this my issue? Why am I the one putting in all of the work? Why is this my thing? I get the sense my friends are looking down on me and judging me. I don't even know if half of this is true and maybe I am projecting and just speculating. This is probably all in my head. I think I do this a lot. But, there is that feeling of being pitied again, and I don't like it.
I know some friends that are doing sober January, and they think that they don't have a problem like me. They might look down on me and think, "oh now Kim has REAL issues." They might think they have their shit together. They might think they can moderate and they have the best of both worlds.
It seems unfair. It makes me angry they can do both because these were the friends that in my mind seemed to have unknowingly encouraged my drinking in the past and propelled me further down my spiral. They tend to rationalize their behaviors, their own excessive drinking. They tend to justify their drinking patterns but quite possibly they turn their nose up on my situation.
But here is the thing, and this is what I keep having to remind myself. People should not have to rationalize their drinking. That is NOT normal. No one should have to explain that drinking every afternoon is okay because it is a pandemic. Or because it is a sunny day. Or because they are bored. These people shouldn't have to laugh and joke that drinking a bottle of wine at noon is normal because it's brunch. Or it's okay because they aren't having to hide it from their husband's (like I did.) Or they never drink before 5. Or the best excuse, "everyone does it." When they rationalize it to themselves, that can still be a red flag. These are things I need to remind myself. So truly, I am not alone. I have just taken the steps to deal with and address my situation. I'm not saying my friends are in the same boat as me, but there are others in this world that have yet to accept that their behaviors are not normal.
As Gill from Sober Powered says, "Drinking isn't a skill and you can't learn how to do it right."
I know I need to deal with my resentment and feelings of frustration that others out there have yet to do the hard work. I know I need to be grateful that I HAVE taken the step to better myself. I am doing the work and seeing results everyday, but it still doesn't make me less resentful of the fact that all my friends are still drinking without me, or so it seems.
It is such a messed up scenario, because I know it's all wrong to feel this way. It is a fear of missing out, which I may always feel because of my personality. I hope though that as I get further along in my sobriety these feelings will dissipate.