Searching for comfort ... 1/19/21
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
Yesterday, I told my sister about my new found sobriety. I had finished a long talk with my dad, and I was hoping for some support. I was hoping to feel comfort, to feel that I was continuing on with my story, moving forward, controlling my narrative. I didn't find that comfort or support, whatsoever.
I am not sure why I was surprised by this. We are not particularly close anymore, we don't see each other much or talk really anymore. She started going on about my mom and her concern for her drinking and that my mom doesn't care about how much she drinks at all (which is not news!) My mom recently called my sister concerned about a blood test of hers that showed a high amount of protein. 'Why can't she care about the amount of wine she consumes and not the protein in her blood?' My sister said to me. Always angry, always pisses off. Generally, this is how my sister is about my mom or dad. That is probably why we don't talk much anymore, because our conversations go as follows: she complains about my parents, I listen, then I end up giving her advice and talking her off the ledge, most of what she ignores and then it is the same routine next time we talk.
So as she complained about my mom, I took that as my chance. I segued into my story, and told her I was 50 days sober. 50 days. That's big! My sister didn't have much of a reaction. She was a little indifferent. She said, 'wow!' 'okay.' 'Yeah, that's really good you have realized this. It's genetic.' A little more 'yeh's' and 'wows.' And that was it. I didn't get a whole lot of love or anything. I wanted more. I hoped for more. I needed more. She didn't ask any questions or want more information than the bare minimum of what I gave her.
Maybe in her mind she was like, great another fucking alcoholic to deal with in this family. I don't know what she was thinking, because her response was empty. Hollow. Which left me feeling the same.
This morning on my newcomers TLC meeting, I spoke about all of this - my mom's drinking, my sister's reaction, etc. My talk with my sister yesterday. And there was a really great takeaway, because other's shared about experiences with their own siblings and their own recent disappointments with their family members. Other members talked about how hard it is when you hope for a different turnout or a different response from the ones you love. You can't expect others to fix you and to change for you. Only you can do the work.
This is about me. This about my changes and my work. I can't expect others to help me change. I need to do this and me alone. I can't let others disappointment me at this point in my journey, because I have come SO far. I need to focus on the good things right now and keep moving forward.