Updated: Jan 10
There is no better feeling than listening to the insulated quiet of the first snowfall of the season. The brightness, the peace and serenity that it brings. The solitude that descends upon us is unlike anything you experience. There is already a lightness when the kids wake, knowing school was called last night.
We are tucked away for the day, hibernating like the world is ending in our little corner of the earth. Which feels slightly true, given the covid numbers around here. It is also Brayden's 11th birthday, so he is beyond thrilled to have the day off from school today.
I woke up at 5AM, so full of joy when I looked outside. Watching Bunker, our dog, run out into the snow, filled me with happiness. Brayden said our street reminded him of the scene from the Polar Express.
We also have a yard this winter that is much more conducive to playing in the snow, compared to our old house. We are off the main road, and there is no longer a constant banging of plows rumbling by, shaking the house.
Everything is blanketed in white and brighter than normal. It is truly beautiful. Nothing beats this. I have been watching the snow fall this morning, drinking my coffee and I am filled with warmth and comfort. Most of all, it feels so nice to not be hungover.
In the past, knowing I had a snow day to prep for, I would have consumed too much wine last night, waking up feeling crappy, depressed and cranky. Instead of playing with the kids in the snow today at 7:30AM like I did, I would have been in bed still, nursing a headache. Today, I tossed on my snow pants and boots and headed out as soon as we finished opening Brayden's gifts, soaking up the beauty of the day. I know I won't be counting down the seconds until I can open a bottle of wine in the afternoon with friends, like I used to do on snow days.
I have realized recently that I am the type of person that dives headfirst into things, and I feel the need to constantly be DOING something. I invest all of myself into a project or task, whether I know WHAT I am doing or not. My husband and I always joke that I am the antithesis of a procrastinator. When I get an idea in my head, I hit the ground running and I cannot be stopped.
I started a podcast on a whim with my friend Catherine without any idea of how to do so. We just figured it out and we are learning as we go.
I completed the first draft of a memoir in less than a year.
I started this blog on the first time of my sobriety.
I took up watercoloring one random afternoon.
I often wonder, if at the end of the day I haven't completed a task on my creative to-do list, am I a failure?
All of my outlets and creative expressions, that had been bottled up for years, stifled for so long are supposed to be just that - expressions of joy - not representations of when I am succeeding or not.
Being free and vulnerable through my different creative outlets has allowed me to find joy again, and I need to remember that. Quiet days like today when I am forced to slow down, I am reminded I need to just be present again. I need to observe and enjoy my home, my children and family, and I need to not constantly be looking for my next creative escape. Everything I need is right here.
I believe that this determination is what has served me so well in my sobriety. I knew once I decided to stop drinking I would not turn back, but there are still times when I know I need to just sit back and breathe. Sometimes, I need to just watch the snow fall. Today, I need to feel encapsulated by the muffled silence that I have worked so hard to cultivate.
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