I want everyone to know that may not already be aware - I have written a memoir! I am excited to say that my first book is in the works to be published in the next 6 months. I can't wait to share more about that in the coming weeks. Stay tuned for information about pre-orders and other bits down the road. I am proud of myself and can't wait to share it all with each one of you...
I was talking with a friend this week about how parenting is one of the hardest jobs. I am constantly questioning what I am doing and wondering if I am screwing my kids up. When I finally figure one child out during a stage of development, they grow out of it and move on to becoming a bigger, newer more complicated version of themselves. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. And at times it feels like no one ever appreciates what I am doing for them.
These are often some of the reasons why I would drink a glass of wine in the evening. Alcohol would numb my feelings of anxiety, anger and disappointment in myself. I would feel a little less frustrated with the lack of progress I was seeing in my children or myself as a mother. Drinking would make me forget the moments when they were acting like ungrateful, spoiled brats some days. After a glass of wine, I would feel a little more in control of my emotions - but only momentarily. That instant change in feelings, as the buzz took over, gave me power over myself and my children. With the alcohol coursing through my veins, laughing with my friends over a glass of bubbles, I would feel strong again, after feeling beat down again and again by my kids. I would build upon that feeling of confidence and security, pouring myself another glass. Then another. The feeling of defeat disappearing. A false sense of security in the form of bubbling rose. In those moments, I would convince myself that I could get through this life, as long as I had my nightly wine routine to help me.
These days, I have new ways of coping. I don't feel strong because of wine anymore. I have found my strength elsewhere. But that doesn't mean I still don't feel beat down, disappointed and frustrated sometimes. Just because I stopped drinking, that doesn't mean all of my problems have gone away. I am still faced with the same issues I was before, I just stopped using alcohol to cope with them. I stopped trying to convince myself that it was healthy to drink at the end of the day, because your kids drove you to the point of needing it.
I still screw up. I am beyond the point of exhausted most nights and wish I had more to give to my daughter when she wants me to stay up and read books. I make mistakes. I forgot to put sunscreen on my nine year old at the pool the other day and he got sunburned. I wish I could do things differently some days with the way I manage my 11 year old and his screen addiction. The only difference is, I wake up everyday with strength, energy, and no hangxiety anymore. I start each morning rested and ready to face each day with more confidence in myself than ever before.