How did I end up here?
I have a lot of new visitors to my website and blog lately. Some of them ask - "Can I do this?" Absolutely. Yes you can. Many people are curious about what brought me to the point of not drinking. What made me want to quit? What made me find the courage to finally stop? Are you wondering how to take those first steps to actually do the damn thing? How the hell do you actually take the plunge and just fucking do it? Are you wondering that exact thing? Because it is scary as hell, you're right. But if you need some encouragement, then dig deep and keep reading.
I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired of my life. I felt stuck. I felt like I was trapped in a loop, chained to a hamster wheel and unable to break free from my routine of alcohol. Don't get me wrong - I thought I was happy. I thought I was having fun. But, I wasn't. I was constantly searching for the rush of dopamine from my 5:00 evening glass of wine, chasing the buzz until I passed out several hours and a couple bottles of wine later. I wasn't truly happy, even though I appeared to be on the outside to all my friends and family.
I was searching for something deeper. Something more. I was numbing myself everyday, and I was absent. I was missing so much of my life and so much of my children's lives, because I was escaping into a glass of wine. I couldn't feel joy or pain, because I just felt nothing. I was hungover and anxious. I was depressed. Was I feeling this way because of the alcohol? Or was I drinking to make me less depressed? Which came first? I had been drinking heavily for so many years, binge drinking for over 20 to be exact, blacking out since I was 16 years old.
It wasn't until I got sober that I realized how low and depleted I felt. How dark my world had become. It wasn't until I stopped drinking and began to heal and work on myself that I began to see a beauty, joy and lightness to the world. I didn't know how to embrace it or recognize myself at first because I was so broken, and it took many slow, careful steps forward. I have been working on healing for a very long time.
If you are new to my blog or new to sobriety, I encourage you to go back to my older posts - from 2020/2021 and submerge yourself in some of my earlier writing. You will see how far I have come, because those early days I truly didn’t know what I was doing or where I was headed. But it wasn’t without a whole lot of determination and hard work that I am here today to say I’m grateful for the path that took me here. Stick with it if you are struggling in the first day or week or month. It gets better.
If you are interested in starting out on this journey but don’t know how, I would love to chat. I am excited to start helping individuals more in a one on one basis. Send me an email. Let's talk!