A Friday Night in August
I am not sure why this random Friday evening in August is suddenly making me feel nostalgic about my drinking days, but this particular late afternoon I felt sad for some reason. Out of nowhere, it hit me. This specific day is just feeling hard. Suddenly, randomly, I am annoyed about the fact that I can't drink like a normal person. I am resentful that I have a nasty relationship with alcohol, and I'm bitter that I can't have just one drink. I feel downright disappointed in myself.
It was a beautiful day. In fact, it has been a glorious week and incredible summer full of endlessly sunny days. The consistent blue sky reminds me of when I used to pop open cold bottles of wine at my friend's house on a Friday afternoon, losing myself in drunken conversation.
My husband went to hang out with people that were day drinking outside today. I didn't think I cared that he went or that he was participating, inadvertently sending me a picture of his High Noon in the background of a photo. I didn't want to go and I had the kids to deal with, but it reminded me of what could have been if I had gone down a different road. I began to feel a little sorry for myself. The pity game is never a fun one to play.
I spent a stupid amount of time scrolling instagram to see all sorts of lovely pictures of people on vacation in lovely places that aren't my town. Some of these lovely people aren't even really that lovely to me anymore, so I began to wonder - why do I even fucking follow their lovely lives anymore? I realized I was feeling sorry for myself and the fact I'm sitting at home with my kids. The bitterness was taking over. In the past, the alcohol would have smoothed the edges, dulled the anger and helped me pass the time. It would have temporarily made me feel better.
Instead, of turning to the booze though. I made a choice. I cuddled with my dogs for a bit. I had some chips and salsa, and even though it was 4pm, I made myself a nice cup of coffee and sat down to write about my pissed off feelings - here, to you all.
Now, I have a renewed sense of energy to get through my afternoon. Just putting these thoughts out there, I am holding myself accountable. I am realizing my crankiness about all the things I mentioned above were unnecessary. I know I don't want to drink, and in actuality those feelings of nostalgia are often very fleeting. But they are real, so it's important to acknowledge them. But now it's time to move on. And all I can do is thank myself for being able to learn from all of this. And I can only just discover more about myself everyday through these experiences.