A friend said to me recently, "Can you imagine the 'you' of two years ago getting a sneak peak at what you're up to now?" That comment made me stop for a moment and feel so many things. I was like - wow. That's a wild thought. And ultimately after some reflection, I felt so grateful to be where I am right now.
I really never would have believed I would be here today. Writing! About SOBRIETY! Putting myself out there for others to read about. It truly brings me joy just knowing I am doing something that I am passionate about.
Back in 2020, if I was able to hop into a time machine and get a glimpse into the future to see what I was up to, I wouldn't believe that the person I was seeing was actually me. I felt there was such little joy in the things I brought to this world, and instead I lived for my nightly glass of wine. That was the highlight of my day.
The person I was back then was a shell of who I am now. She was scared. She was angry. She lacked compassion for everyone. She was shallow and caddy. She was sad and depressed. She was constantly distracted from her kids, unable to live in the moment. She was distant. She was weak and the opposite of strong. She was fearful and exhausted.
For years, that mother wanted to fast forward through the moments, to get to the next stage. For years she was just trying to get by - to survive... My two month old baby isn't sleeping through the night, and I just need him to get to six months so he can be sleep trained... I can't wait until he starts crawling... Or walking... I am so ready to be done with the stroller... The bucket car seat... Or I can't wait until school starts this fall and summer ends, and my kids are back into school and the routine again. (I actually said that last one a couple of times in the last few weeks, so I am still a work in progress.) Over the years, there have been so many milestones that I wanted to rush through, because it was so exhausting. I wanted to hide from the present moment. The me from two years ago, I was constantly escaping my existence for years and years. I was running from my life, using alcohol to avoid it all. Today, when I feel stressed and want to fast forward through the day, I know that I am not trying to get to 5:00 wine time anymore.
I know there have been so many times over the years when I wanted to know what was going to happen. I wanted to be able to see five years down the road. I wasn't living in the moment. I wasn't living mindfully. I was using alcohol to numb and survive, day by day. I wanted to see what the future would hold for my husband and three children, but I never would have believed that I would be the person I am today.
Today, I am getting ready to publish a book, working on two podcasts and multiple projects. I am getting certified to help coach others in sobriety as well. I am on a different path than I ever envisioned myself to be. I am not crawling through my days, just trying to make it through anymore, hoping to one day wake up and have everything be in its place.
I am grateful that I gave myself the chance to wake up. Now, I am finally living.