So how am I today? I was reading a book in the middle of the night last night, after waking up with a night sweat. (I did fall asleep without any pills and obviously no alcohol, but woke up sweaty and anxious in the middle of the night.) So at 2AM, I decided to read "Mrs. D is Going Without," and she talks a lot about this little voice in her head that tells her she wants a drink. At the time of the book, she is around 60 days sober, but she is battling the addict's voice in her head. She knows what she wants logically, but it's like there is this little, annoying child inside reminding her how fun it is to enjoy a nice glass of wine by the river, a cold beer on the beach, etc.
I know that voice. I have heard that voice before. That is the voice that told me to quickly rip a shot before my daughter's field hockey practice at 5pm or to chug straight from a bottle of wine in the fridge before my son's morning flag football game just to cut the hangover, against my better judgement. I knew it was all wrong but I did it anyway. There is such a lack of control, when this annoying little addict's voice starts talking.
In her book she talks about "addictive voice recognition technique," whereby you identify the addictive voice inside your mind and then you separate from it. It's like a naughty child or a nasty acquaintance you don't like to be around, but it lives inside you unfortunately. All it wants if me to do is drink more, and when I don't it keeps on goading me. It wants me all to itself. And ratting on it is a great way to cut some if power! So THAT is what I am doing!! I am ratting out my addict to anyone that ends up reading this. Or just to myself for now. Holding myself accountable. Honestly, I keep rereading these posts to just keep myself grounded for now, and it is definitely helping. It's nauseating to reread all of the disgusting things this addict's voice made me do. All the things that I did. How much I put my children in danger. It makes me cry very, very heavy tears all over again.
