In the TLC meeting today, Eric said his word of 2021 is freedom. This reminded me that this was my chosen word, but I haven't been allowing myself to feel free these last few weeks. I have been dragged down by so much and not experiencing the freedom that this journey has been providing me.
I have been angry. Angry at my kids, angry at my family and friends. Angry that this is my thing. Why do I have all of this shit? Lots of resentment, irritation and anger towards so many. This all just isn't fair.
I need to let a lot of this go and feel the freedom that I felt for those first several weeks. I know I have gained so much. I am free from alcohol, free from my past, free from guilt, free from shame, free from toxic relationships and free from past mistakes. I am grateful and happy for this, but there is still anger.
Eric says, "freedom is a mindset not a set of circumstances." So I know that just because
I am not drinking anymore, that alone doesn't set me free.
I am realizing that I am free from so much, but I am holding onto a lot of anger. I know after talking to my therapist today that I also need to feel this anger, address it in order to let it pass by me, like a cloud in the sky, as she says. And it's okay to not feel happy and to feel mad, but I can't push it out of my mind and pretend these feelings don't exist, like I have been doing part of the time.
So. I am mad. Putting it out there.
I have had a tough time with Brayden this week and there is a lot of anger and animosity between him and me right now, which makes me sad. And mad. I want to be a present, loving, caring mom right now, but it is hard to be those things when he makes me job so fucking difficult. This pisses me off. I am realizing I need to be more understanding for what he is going through and not dismiss his feelings. Let him feel what he wants to feel as well and acknowledge that it isn't wrong. This goes for all of the kids. My therapist today gave me a different perspective and way to manage him - and that the RRR sheets we have been forcing him to do may not actually be the answer. I need to figure out how not to alienate him and push him further away when he misbehaves or gets angry. I think he and I are a lot alike in that we feel big. We react big. And we don't hide our feelings.
I am mad that I can't lean on my own mother right now with anything. She doesn't know what I am going through nor would she totally understand it probably. I find myself lying to her when she asks about the kids, because she doesn't know they are in school full time now. This frustrates me, because I can't tell her the truth. I feel like am just skirting around a larger issue that I may never be able to fully open up to her about.
I am angry that some of my friends don't seem to care about what I am going through, while others do reach out but it seems only for their benefit. I don't feel like many of my friendships are genuine at the moment, and I let the way others act and choose to live their life affect me. I don't want to let others make me angry, but I let them. And this makes me more angry. I am frustrated that others don't see me for who I am and that they don't see their own flaws. All I am doing is trying to better myself but it pisses me off that others are getting in my way and dragging me down.
Another person who I have a lot of anger towards is J.C. from Colby. I hate this man. I hate that he takes up so much space in my brain. I hate him for what he did to me and what he continues to do to my confidence and happiness. I hate that it feels like my friends and husband don't care about what he did and that like so many other men in my life that have screwed me over, they all just get away with it.
Jake treated me like shit, manipulated me, fucked with my head and left a lasting impression on me to this day. I have to suffer the consequences of all of these men's bad behavior. So many men have walked all over me and I hate it. Why do these choices of the men in my life become my burden to bare, while all of these men have been able to move on so easily without consequences.
I think of my dad as well and how he just picked up and moved on with his new life, with little regard to the rest of us. So much selfishness from so many men in my life and I am the only one suffering. This makes me so fucking mad.
I need to figure this all out. This is part of my journey and I know I need to focus on me. I need break free from all those who make me angry and to focus on myself and the people that bring out happiness in me today. Even the men that only occupy a space in my mind, bu no longer have a physical presence. All those that chose to hurt or disrespect me and my worth, in my past or my current life today, need to be handled. All of this anger that I feel towards so many is holding me back. So do I forgive all of this people? It seems unfair at the moment. So I continue to feel resentment and anger instead for now. How do I move past all of this?