Fog... December 2, 2020
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
For so long it has felt like I have been in a fog, going through the motions. About a year or so ago, I confided in one of my very best friends one Monday morning, after a long weekend of heavy drinking. I confessed through tears after I struggled through a barre class hungover, that I didn't feel like I had any purpose in this world. Not in a suicidal kind of way, but more that I just felt like my kids didn't appreciate me, my role had been diminished as they have gotten older, and the monotony of my household duties were boring me. I was feeling like I didn't have any direction. I felt like I was walking through a fog. No job. No prospects for a job. No desire to go back to teaching. Always thinking, what is my purpose? My sweet friend comforted me like she always did and gently told me that maybe I needed to drink a little less to help with my anxiety. She explained how her brother had managed to completely stop drinking in fact. I scoffed at the idea and thought to myself, "Yeah right, I could NEVER do that. I could never walk away from it. It is too much a part of my social life. My everyday life." At the time, I didn't realize this was the case, but in retrospect, I was seeking comfort from the one thing that was causing me pain. Alcohol. Little did I know that it was only making me more depressed and anxious. I know now that the alcohol had me in a vice. I couldn't escape it though. I wasn't ready to let it go.
I was driving along today as my kids were screaming at each other, fighting in the back seat of the car. I began to remember, "Oh yeah, Wednesdays are tough days." And I found my mind going to that familiar place, and I wanted to scream. I don't want to admit it, but I found myself thinking for a brief moment about how nice a cozy glass of red wine would feel by the fire and the Christmas tree... I have to train my brain. Let it learn a new way of thinking. I know now that it has always been a vicious cycle of trying to feed this hunger that the addict in my body is craving. It isn't going to change in a day, a week, or a month. It will take time and hard work.
Only a few days sober now, and I want to be sober. So deeply wanting to be sober, and I have so much clarity on what those feelings were back then. But still so much work to do. One day at a time though.