Vacationing in St. Croix
Updated: Mar 13, 2022
There is nothing more healing than the sounds of the ocean. The way it soothes. Rocks the body to sleep. Stills my thoughts. I find myself staring into the waves, my eyes transfixed by the movement of the sea. The sunrise a mix of purple pink and peach. The wind rustles the palm trees, whipping my salty hair across my face. I am back in the safety of my memories. But also at times, I feel a bit of sadness in these thoughts. I feel trapped at times, as if the mindset of a ten year old is the safest place for me to be, but knowing full well it cannot protect me. Being there won't hurt me temporarily but it cannot take away the stresses that being an adult bring in the long term. When I was a child I obviously didn't know all the things that I know now. I had no way of knowing all the hard truths I would face.
I know that certain memories we hold onto are there for a reason. We do so in order to protect ourselves. To keep us safe. I tend to focus on the pieces of my childhood that remind me of when things felt simpler.
Being on this island brings me back to the trips taken with my parents and sisters to an island similar to this. A time that reminds me of a life that is not really mine anymore. Everything was easier when I was a little girl. I didn't yet know any of life's struggles.
I sometimes find myself wanting to go back there because I feel overwhelmed by all that I am facing today. Am I a good mother? Am I a good wife? Have I made too many mistakes?
But I know. This is everything. Right here. Right now. These people around me right now are my world.
I think back to last night. Laying beside my daughter watching the night sky, searching for shooting stars. Laughing with my husband. Listening to my boys night swimming. Being here with my family and good friends and living this life today is what it is all about. I cannot change the past, I cannot change the future. I must live in the present and be happy for what I am experiencing today.
I love the fact that I am awake and it is 5am right now. The moon is still out. The ocean waves skip across the surface below me, and I can almost touch them. A lull. A humming that rolls over me body.
I must be kind to myself. I must practice self compassion this week and be present with my children and husband. Yes there will be arguing and fighting - but we are doing okay. We are together and I am sober. I am not hungover. I am not escaping them with alcohol. I am here.