Sleep... December 4, 2020
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
I woke up for the first time in as long as I can remember feeling so refreshed and rested. I woke up at 7am after a very long night of sleep, without the help of any kind of sleep aids, and looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. And I could look myself in the eye. I felt so proud of myself.
I think I am feeling myself turn a corner in terms of this long fought sleep battle, which has been such a source of anxiety for so long for me. Everything I have read this week has said this will happen and when it does, sleep will be so good. I think I might be getting there. That's not to say I won't have bad nights of sleep down the road, but I now have a taste of what it feels to sleep well. I haven't felt this in years.
I went to bed at 9:30pm. I read for about 10 minutes and then fell right to sleep. Parker woke me up around midnight because she wet the bed, and I was frustrated, because I was sleeping so soundly. I dragged myself out of bed to help her. (Evan wasn't sleeping in the room. He was trying to let me sleep well, because I literally was getting only 3 hours of sleep each night this week.) So I went to help Parker change the sheets, change her clothes, and help her snuggle back to bed. At first I was a little annoyed because I was sleeping so soundly, the cleaning ladies had just changed her sheets AND our dryer is broken. But then I realized this is the first time in a long time that I wasn't drunk helping her in the middle of the night, and I just leaned into the moment and calmed myself down. I told myself to be kind to her, and I laid with her for a little while. She went to sleep quickly. Then, I went back to my bed and I went back to sleep right away. I think I may have woke again for the bathroom, I'm not sure. All I know is that I slept so hard and so soundly until Chase woke me up snuggling in my ear at 7am, and I felt so deeply happy, so deeply content with myself and my children and my world. No guilt. No anxiety. It is an incredible thing. It is emotional and bizarre and life changing just to be able to experience real sleep once again. I am grateful. 5 days sober.