Getting COVID is rather reminiscent of a hangover. Not being able to get out of bed because my head is throbbing and feeling like I have no desire to do anything but lay around. I hate it. It is an awful feeling and I have come to realize that I am the worst patient.
It just occurred to me this morning that this is the first time I have been sick since I got sober. I have been the healthiest I have ever been this past year and a half of my life than I ever was when I was drinking. With that though, I have forgotten how to slow down and just be still.
I hate the feeling of being forced to lay in bed and rest. I hate that I can’t workout. I despise the fact that my body wants to recoup. I want to be productive. I want to get out of the house and do things. I do not want to sit in bed and watch Netflix all morning. I do not want to nap. I have things to do!
A huge part of me feels guilty for not being around for my kids. I feel like I am ignoring them - which is technically what I am supposed to do - according to the CDC. I am not allowed to be near them since none of them have tested positive, so I need to isolate, but it is so hard for me to do that. The mom guilt is real. And on top of that - it is giving me huge PTSD of the days when I used to avoid being a mom because I drank too much the night before.
I used to make excuses and sneak off upstairs to my bedroom to throw up or lie down, and my kids would find me napping in my bed. They wouldn't understand why I couldn't play with them. I am remembering the lies I used to tell them and how much I hated myself on days like today. It is also so beautiful and sunny outside right now and I always used to feel so much worse having hangovers on nice days. I hated myself for not being able to drag my lazy, hungover ass off the couch to take them for a walk when they were little. As I sit here with a pounding headache and listen to the birds chirping, I am brought back to those springtime Saturday mornings when I used to just put on one more cartoon, lying to myself that what I was doing was okay.
So when my husband told me today to truly take it easy and rest, I felt frustrated. I don't want to be reminded of that past version of myself. I don't want to remember the mom that made excuses, lied and couldn't get her shit together. But it is important to do just that. I need to remember her. I need to know that she isn't me anymore. I am different. And perhaps getting Covid is a good reminder of just that - sometimes I need to just slow down and recognize these changes I have gone through and how far I have come. I guess I could use this time to not only just chill and get better but also to take a deep breathe and be proud of all the hard work I have done since 2020.
Hopefully in a few days, I will be right back to running around, feeling stressed, complaining about my children and all that my job as their mother entails!