This week, on our podcast, I interviewed my kids and asked them questions about my sobriety. I have a regular, open dialogue going about the topic with them, so it didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable to have these conversations. They were all very eager to participate and had been chomping at the bit to use the microphone and be part of it.
We had fun chatting, and it was interesting to see how their different personalities came through during the interview. Chase was quiet and shy at first, but he was sweet, respectful and kind to me. He didn't want to say anything to upset me. Parker was confident, eager to please me and enjoyed being in the spotlight. Everything she said, she spoke only wanting my approval. Brayden tried to be funny and snarky, calling me out on some of my bullshit. And he said just enough and knew when it reign it in and not cross the line. In the end, he finished up by saying he was genuinely proud of me, and I could tell he meant it. He even thanked his fans. Ha!
All in all, it was evident that Brayden was the most aware of what I have been going through these last 14 months, which is to be expected. He is the oldest and he is incredibly perceptive. Parker doesn't really remember me when I was drinking, which I am grateful for everyday. The only thing she remembers is when I used to pour my wine around bedtime and where I kept it - stored by the knife block on the kitchen counter. I bet if I prodded her, she would remember more specific events.
Chase remembers me being hungover on the weekends though, and that was a shot to the heart. He remembers me laying around, acting useless and sick all day. That made me so sad to hear, but fuels me in this journey to see him light up when talking about how happy he is that I am no longer like that. Now that I am sober, I am "ready to go" every morning, he says.
Brayden is a bit more complicated. He talked about a time that I was angry when he closed the garage door on the trunk of my car, scratching the paint. I hadn't been drinking at the time, but I do remember being so irrationally annoyed at him. I threw his bike helmet and broke it, out of frustration. And then I am pretty sure I went inside and poured a glass of wine. I may have had some other things going on inside my head, and I don't know what was happening that day, but it was the summer before I quit. I know it was a bad time for me. The bottom line is, I was not in control of my emotions and I flew off the handle that afternoon. I turned to wine, and I lost my temper. He saw it. And he remembers.
Brayden and I talked about how I didn't control my emotions well back then, and he is aware that I don't yell as much anymore. He appreciates this and is keenly aware - reminding me recently in the car a few weeks ago. I obviously don't raise my voice much anymore. I was yelling at him about something, and he said I was reminding him of when I used to drink, which was heart wrenching to hear. But also, it was necessary and a good reminder for me.
I appreciate the fact that I can have these open and honest conversations with my kids, and I love that my kids know how hard their mom is working everyday on this journey. They are proud of me, and they know I do it for them.
