Walking is my new favorite. It clears my head. I just went for a walk with a friend who has been sober for 4 years. She told me not to dwell on the past and focus on looking forward. I know she is right and I see her point, but I do think it is important to just have these memories here as a reminder. I will begin rebuilding and focusing on my future, but I need to remember what brought me here. There wasn't one event, but many, many things that snowballed and eventually got me to my breaking point.
Drinking in high school... maybe more on that one day.
Drinking at Colby, definitely more on that...
Drinking early on with mom groups in Boston, breaking into this mommy wine culture.
There are so many periods in my life that led to this. I said to my friend on my walk just now that I am scared that I won't know how to be fun again, or that I won't know how to enjoy things. I won't know how to have fun on vacation. Will the old activities we used to do: golf, tennis, going to the beach, hanging with friends, dinners out even be enjoyable? How will I act? What will I do when everyone else is drinking? She reminded me that most times everyone else is drunk and barely listens to anyone and it sometimes is hard to get a word in edgewise but that's because drunk people don't listen to anyone, they are only thinking about what they are going to say next. Don't take it personally. Just know that you will wake up feeling great the next day. You will sleep well. You won't have the guilt, stomach problems, angst and sadness that you always feel day in and day out. You will feel confident knowing you didn't do something stupid, and you will feel energized.
Thinking about vacations right now... another friend mentioned there is a cyber Monday deal at the South Seas Resort happening today. The last time we were there two years ago, I spent the majority of each day sucking down my own cocktail I created in the hotel room starting at 8am. My kids didn't know what was happening. Evan barely knew. A massive vodka drink that left my sideways by the pool by noon each day. I was so drunk I couldn't stomach lunch, and I could barely make it into the pool to swim. I couldn't even drive the golf cart. I was too hungover to workout most days, and I cried at dinner one night in front of the kid because I was so drunk. I remember waking up with such mom guilt the last day there, because I had wasted the entire vacation by being blacked out and didn't really remember it... So, do we go back this spring? There are some demons there at that resort. But maybe it is time to make some new memories on a new sober vacation? Rent kayaks, catamarans, go golfing with the kids. Be ACTIVE instead of sitting around drinking fruity cocktails all day. It's a whole new world. Time for new memories with these kids perhaps.