I am back talking to Ronni again. After a great chat today, I have been able to ascertain that I do in fact have a lot of anger. I am pissed at a lot of people. I also am lacking in my ability to trust others, as she believes the fact that my parents were unable to provide ways for me to feel like I could trust them as a child has led me to feel like I cannot trust others now. So many people in my life have let me down that I feel there are few that I can lean on anymore.
I also talked to Ronni about why I feel I can't talk to my mom about my sobriety. I expressed my fear and nervousness and that I don't want to make her feel badly. But maybe it goes beyond that. We talked about the fact that for so long I have protected my mother from her own problems with drinking. I have spent so many years trying not to make her look at her own behavior, going as far to even make excuses in recent years for it. I have shielded her from having to confront her problems by allowing her to drink with me these last ten years and normalizing her drinking habits. I have shouldered the burden of having to be my mother's keeper for so long. I have protected her from having to face it, and this would only force her to have to finally do so.
Also, apparently Ronni thinks I need to meditate. She thinks my hurt and past wounds keep coming back and haunting me. I'm very exposed or something to that idea. At this point, I'm open to anything.