I think back to the way I used to spent my weekends 8 months ago, and it is mind boggling to remember how wasteful the days were. Ignoring my children while I laid in bed nursing a hangover, hiding from the guilt that overwhelmed me. Replaying the scenes from the night before, often anxiously trying to piece things together and shamefully telling myself I won't drink that much next time.
I hated Sundays. I used to feel resentment towards everyone around me, because I usually felt so awful and I always blamed everyone else for contributing to it. My kids woke up too early. My husband kept me out too late. I didn't need that last glass of wine that my friend gave me. It took a long time for me to realize this was all on me. I had the ability to decide how my night could go, but I always let it get out of hand. I didn't realize for so long that it was always my choice to change these things, and I had to take ownership of the struggle I was in. It took many hungover, sad, anxious mornings for me to say, I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore. I don't want to do this to my kids anymore. My husband doesn't deserve this.
I am so god damn thankful I don't have to put myself, my kids or my husband through this routine anymore. I am so glad that I don't go through that shame cycle on a daily basis every morning. It is such a relief to be free from this struggle, and to know that I no longer need to fight that battle anymore. I am so much more content and at ease. There is so much more joy found in the day to day life, now that I am not just looking to have fun through alcohol. Now that I am not thinking about alcohol. Now that it doesn't control me. Now that I have found happiness without it.
There is so much more life found beyond drinking, and the world is so much brighter through a sober lens. I see everything more clearly. More vividly. More peacefully. Without the Sunday morning hungover fog clouding my thoughts and emotions. The world is brighter.
I found this quote in one of my former blog posts, and it still rings true.
"When was the last time you woke up and wished you'd had just one more drink the night before? I have never regretted not drinking. Say this to yourself, and you'll get through anything." - Meredith Bell
It feels good to live a life without regrets anymore. To live an authentically joyful life, not constantly reviewing the shameful decisions and mistakes I made. Instead, it is so much easier finding contentment through a mindful, in the moment kind of life.
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