As I continue down this road of sobriety, there are good days and bad. Recently, I have been feeling a little low, as I have come to realize that there are people in my life that are just not who I thought they were. I have been forced to really come to terms with what to do with that in recent weeks and it has been disappointing to say the least.
I am so grateful that I have a husband who has been supportive and loving me every step of the way. Evan has said to me numerous times that he is so thankful I stopped drinking, because our entire family has benefited. He has acknowledged that some relationships with friends have changed, but he tries to help me see that it has been for the betterment of our family.
Thank god we aren't subjecting our kids to the rowdy drinking scene like we were before. Thank god we aren't getting black out drunk in front of the kids on Sunday afternoons anymore. Thank god we aren't keeping the kids up until 11pm on Saturday nights drinking in front of them in our friend's backyards, ignoring them while they watched television and played video games. Thank god we have turned our focus on the three of these little people and become more attentive parents. Thank god we spend our weekends together doing things that are meaningful as a family of 5, and zero time selfishly hungover on the weekends. If we hadn't of changed all of that, we would never have been able to figure out Brayden's needs this year and gotten him the help he needed. "Thank you for saving us all from that life," Evan has said.
I know I would never let us go back there, but it still hurts that some of my friends have chosen to walk away from me and not support me in my decision to stop drinking. In the end, what was left between my friends and I when you take away the booze? Not a whole lot, I guess. I thought that they would still be there for me and we would find new interests. I thought they would still call, text and check in on me. Even after asking friends to include me and not treat me like a social outcast, and I essentially begged them to go for walks so I could help them understand what I have been experiencing.
In the end, I guess I pictured a perfect world. I thought things would remain the same. I guess I envisioned that they would still invite me places, include me on the group text, invite me to dinners and everything would be exactly as it was, minus the boozie blackouts for me. At the very least, I expected to be included on sober, daytime outings. Lunches. Golf dates. Other group gatherings. I never expected to be cut out completely.
But I guess I have changed, and these friends couldn't keep this new version of me in their lives. They didn't have space for the new Kim. They couldn't figure out a way to make me work for them.
That seems to be what has happened with certain friends at least, and it hurts. All because I eliminated alcohol from my life. Even though I thought there was more to these people. I keep telling myself it has more to do with them and my choice to stop drinking, as it shines a spotlight on their own drinking patterns. My not drinking makes them evaluate their own drinking behavior and they resent me for that. It's just easier not having me around at all, I guess. I feel like I have been discarded, forgotten about and left behind.
Ultimately, I have to ask myself, if this is how they treat me, how much was there to the relationship in the first place? These friendships were not as strong as I thought they were, since these ladies didn't love me enough to stand by me through one of the hardest periods in my life. If they don't love the new me, then I cannot stand around waiting for them to. Because I have a whole lot of fucking living to do.
On a more positive note, I have been able to see more clearly about the people who HAVE stood by me and supported me through this these last several months. And there are a lot of strong friendships that have weathered this storm, and then some. Friends that have continued to text, call and support me. Love me. And in the end, I have formed many more friends through the sober community and found depth in certain friendships that already existed, and I wouldn't change a thing... Thank god for this freedom.