Updated: Sep 2, 2021
This morning we were out at breakfast and I ordered a coffee and a water. Parker looked up at me with pride, a big smile and said “no wine for you.” I kissed her on the head and said, “no, but it is 7:30am.” She was so proud of me. And I was really impressed that she was aware and in tune with me and what has been going on. She was thinking about our conversation last week and my drinking. She is always watching me.
And I laughed that she would think I wanted wine so early in the day - which shows truly how naive she is about this whole thing. Brayden rolled his eyes at her comment of course. But then it occurred to me that in the past I definitely would have wanted to drink at this time of day. I would have absolutely been thinking about alcohol. I may even in the past would have sipped a little something before leaving just to take the edge off the hangover, just to ensure this breakfast experience with my kids was totally torturous. Instead - that idea and concept is a distant memory. And I cringe thinking about my past self having done such a thing. And the choices I used to make. And the track my mind used to take. But I applaud myself at where I am now. I am in such a better place. Such a better frame of mind.
I was nervous about breakfast simply because it was the first time out in MA without masks, not because I was hungover or because I was thinking about my next drink. I am at ease these days knowing alcohol isn't on my mind. It isn't even in the cards anymore. Not even a temptation. I wasn't even thinking about it. Until sweet Parker reminded me. But I am happy she did. Because they are all part of this dialogue now and I’m proud of that. I’m proud to show my kids what I have done. Where I’m going. How far I have come.
I don't connect with my past self anymore. But she was growing. She was trying. And I wholeheartedly don’t blame her. Because I got here when I was ready, when my kids were the right age for me to manage it all and when I was finally strong enough to face it.