Out of Control... Nov 30, 2020
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
I am one day sober today. I am confident but terrified. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am not sure why I am writing this blog, but I think it is to help me process a lot of my emotions and keep myself in check. I plan to show it to family and friends, so they get a better understanding of what has been going on with me... these last several months, years even. Decades. I don't know how far back I will go. I may start with the recent stuff for now and describe what brought me here during the Covid-19 pandemic. How things snowballed and how things just got completely out of control.
Yesterday, I woke up in the morning around 5am and told my husband, Evan, that I think it's time I stop drinking for good and I asked for his help in doing so. He was and always has been my rock, and I love him dearly. He has been so unbelievably understanding and kind to me. I don't know if I could do this without him. He has been patient and continues to give me space to process this... And the friends I have been talking to in the last 24 hours keep asking what happened exactly to make me come to this decision, but no major event occurred. There wasn't an accident, no one got hurt. I didn't even fall down the stairs or really black out THAT hard, which is a regular occurrence for me - stairs and black outs. I just woke up with a hangover, which I do everyday, and I honestly just felt TIRED. Tired of it all. I just felt DONE. I just was over the lying (to myself, to Evan, to my kids, to everyone!) And I was so tired of feeling like a terrible mother to my perfect children. And ultimately, I want to be around for them. I want to be there down the road, because honestly, I was worried I was killing myself. Or god forbid, one day I would get behind the wheel and something terrible would happen.
I felt like I was on this runaway train going 100 miles an hour, and I was feeling out of control. Like I couldn't slow it down and I couldn't stop it, ever. And all I knew was that my only option was to just jump off, no matter how much it sucked and hurt to do it. And by hurting - I mean, what I am about to face in the coming weeks, months and probably years is going to be painful and difficult. Admitting to all of the lies and terribles mistakes I have made and owning up to all the dirty little secrets from over the years. That is what I am facing as I am jumping off this runaway train right now. Not to mention, building a new sober life. That is terrifying.
Ultimately, this is not the first time I have tried to get my drinking in check. I have tried to "reign it in" many, many times before. It was usually after falling down at a party in front of strangers, or getting so blacked out that I embarrassed my husband that he begged me to get it together, for the sake of our kids. I have never on my own decided to stop drinking. It was always because someone else's hand was forcing me to put the bottle down figuratively and literally at 1am. I have though, looked myself in the eye more times than I can count, so unbelievably hungover in the morning and yelled at myself until I was a puddle on the floor sobbing, "Get your shit together, Kim!" And I could never figure out how to do it... Until now. Something feels very different. I finally found some strength, and I honestly have no idea why, how or where it came from!
A friend gave me this bracelet this morning, along with the kindest note I may have ever received in my life. I confided in her yesterday morning on a long walk and told her my plan, asked for her support which she undoubtedly promised me. Many other friends that I reached out to have equally done the same, and promised to be by my side. I still have so many more friends that mean so much to me to talk to in the coming days. But to know that these first few friends that I HAVE talked to, will still be there and know that they aren't going anywhere is comforting. I do worry that eventually friendships will shift because that is the nature of it all, but I am hopeful. I am not sure how everyone will feel when they read a lot of what I have to say, especially the people that will realize how I was inadvertently hurting or lying to them. I'm scared for that. And it makes me want to bottle it all up, pardon the pun. But I know that I can't anymore. And I know that for my three kids, I need to start taking care of myself and doing the right thing. I need to pick up the pieces and "get my shit together."
Last night was my first sober sleep in a long time. I did not sleep well. Today, I am feeling withdrawal symptoms. I am weak, shaky, physically and emotionally exhausted. I have a constant headache, a bit of a stomachache. No appetite. I had a sweaty and dreamless sleep. But honestly, I have had such heavy, booze induced sleep lately, I cannot remember the last time I had a dream. But I am feeling gracious, happy and energized. I feel ready. I feel the strength that I need to get through today.
Putting this all out there not only holds me accountable, but it gives me a new plan. It puts it in the past where it will stay. By telling the truth, I will watch that runaway train go barreling into the distance and start my next chapter...