Middle of the night thoughts
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
Recently on a walk with Jen she asked me why I am so scared to talk to my mom about my sobriety. I walked along side her for a moment or two contemplating this question and I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t figure out why. At first I said I thought it would be awkward and weird to verbalize it to her. I said we never talk on the phone in person these days. I said I just don’t feel like dealing with it so it feels exhausting to go there. But it occurred to me just last night in the middle of the night that none of that’s true. Those were all excuses. Am I scared of telling mom about my sobriety? Yes. I am scared of hurting her. I am scared of hurting her feelings. I am scared of making her feel badly. I’m scared of making her feel badly about herself. I’m scared of hurting her feelings. I don’t want to create a rift between us. I don’t want her to be mad at me. Or annoyed at me. I can picture the irritation in her voice. I’m scared. Is this a pattern of behavior I have? Do I often do things to protect my mom? I remember Ronni saying early on that I was making an excuse for my moms drinking because my dad left her. Am I always feeling badly for her? Maybe I need to start putting myself first from now on. That doesn’t mean I need to love her any less. I know I keep telling myself that I need to focus on my sobriety and what is best for me and me alone, but does that mean making others feeling badly about themselves?