Floating... December 3, 2020
Updated: Sep 2, 2021
Up until these last several days, I always thought that I was so involved as a stay at home mom, so in tune with my children's needs. Always around, always there. I guess I figured since I wasn't working and I was playing the role as caretaker, that I was golden. I was always shlepping them to their next activity, packing their lunches, cheering them on at their games, coaching them, etc. - I felt so involved. I thought that they had all of me. I'm realizing this week, that I could have given them so much more. I was always so irritated and always had only one foot in. I think I was always looking for their "stuff" to end and for my time to begin. I was just floating through the day, and I was missing out on a lot. I wasn't giving them all of me.
This afternoon, my daughter asked me to bake cupcakes with her, and then my boys heard and asked if they could help. I loathe baking with my kids. They make a mess, everyone fights over the batter, they get a sugar high and it usually never ends well. Plus, we had the house cleaned yesterday and I just wasn't in the mood. But, when my sweet little girl looked up at me with her kind, innocent face. I had to say yes. I thought of all the times I was only ever half there for her. All the times I feel like I have let her down. So I am on a new path now. There needs to be more of an effort. No, I don't need to bake cupcakes every time they ask me, but the guilt is weighing heavily on me this week. 4 days sober. So much time to make up for so much that I feel I have done wrong. I know this is probably not the right attitude, but at the moment that is my mentality. I am focusing on the moments, and it is making me happy and keeping me busy.
So we made the cupcakes. We didn't make much of a mess. No one got overly hyper. Someone did get kicked in the face while we waited for them to bake, but we played a card game while we iced his chin and everything was fine moments later. I am feeling happy this afternoon. A week ago, I would have probably been too tired, lethargic and hungover to do this, and I would have told them no way... So, I will no longer float. I will try harder to live in the moments and cherish them. I will try harder to jump in with both feet and try harder to give them all of me. Because they deserve all of me. I don't deserve to miss any of this.
Here is the cookbook that we used. It is the American Girl Doll cucpakes.