Big sister

I recently connected with my big sister through Sober Mom Squad. Heather is three years sober and seems to have her feet on the ground. She is 52 and has two older kids in high school and college. It was great to FaceTime with Heather the other night. She made me feel cared for and seen, during a time when I have been feeling a little off. Especially these last couple of days. She has continued to check in on me, which is more than others have done these last few months.

I don't know if PAWS is a real thing or not but these last few days my mind has been foggy and I have felt a little like I can't focus. Sitting down to right this is a real chore. I have been emotionally up and down and frustrated by things other have been doing. I haven't been sleeping as well either.

I know that my friends have been going out without me, and it hurts. I know they aren't doing much but dinner outside at restaurants, and we couldn't even go anyway since we aren't using babysitters right now during Covid. It's frustrating. I wish I would still get the invitation and the decision was up to me, instead of feeling like I have been completely ditched.

I know that everyone says people that aren't able to spend time with you socially often feel uncomfortable for a variety of possible reasons. Maybe these people are forced to look in the mirror and evaluate their own drinking, or they feel judged. Maybe having me sitting there watching them drink will make them finally question their own drinking behaviors, which for some are a lot like the way I used to drink. Even know all of this, it still feels terrible to feel like you are on the outside looking in.