I just filled the last vase that I own with water and another beautiful bunch of cut flowers. This is the 7th bouquet that I have lovingly received from another wonderful friend in the last week. I officially have fresh flowers in every major room of the house, including the downstairs bathroom.
Since my book, On the Edge of Shattered, came out, flowers keep arriving at my doorstep. I guess this is the number one thing you give a sober person. Obviously, you can't send them wine or liquor. A bottle of booze is usually the traditional item you give to someone when they achieve a huge milestone like publishing a book. Or when they celebrate a birthday. But people can't gift me alcohol, so our house looks like a flower shop now. And I'm okay with it.
This morning, my dear friend surprised me by not only showing up at our tennis clinic when she said she couldn't go but she arrived up with the biggest smile and fresh flowers in hand for my 40th birthday. After years of not giving a crap about flowers and only expecting people to bring me wine for my birthday, I have now grown to adore this gesture. I truly can feel the love from my friends when I walk around my house, and I am grateful for what these tiny bursts of color represent to me today.
Since releasing my book and now hitting a major milestone birthday, I have been feeling a lot of feelings. It has been a tumultuous rollercoaster of emotions in fact these last few weeks, so knowing that there are so many people that care about me so much makes me burst with joy.
For years, I pictured my 40th birthday as a major celebration. I had a big 35th birthday that I organized for myself. My 30th birthday was huge as well. My 25th and 21st: the same thing. My birthday has often been a month long extravaganza. I always used to celebrate turning any age at the beginning of November all the way through New Years Eve. Before I quit, it was two long months of heavy drinking, and I made the excuse to indulge every night because it was a celebratory season - "my birthday month" being the kick off to it all.
Evan said he thinks I romanticized my birthday to find an excuse to drink more, and that I never actually enjoyed my special day. I was often too drunk to know what was going on and too hungover the next day to appreciate anything my family did for me. I remember Evan gifting me a spa day which I had to cancel because of my hangover one year. I would surround myself with people that wanted to drink as much as me and found myself in social scenes that condoned such heavy boozing. But I was never really happy all those times. I was always very lost, floating along, searching for something. Somewhere. I would always wake in the early mornings, feeling so alone and scared, but I never admitted it to myself.
For years, I had planned to go to Nashville for my 40th birthday. I used to talk with friends about how it would be an epically wild ladies' weekend. I knew that I probably would need a vacation from that vacation, but it would be worth it. I have never been to Nashville, but I love country music and believed it would be the perfect spot to celebrate a milestone birthday.
Now, in reality, my 40th birthday plans are quite the opposite. We have low-key dinner plans with friends tonight and a cozy weekend planned with quality time to be spent with my children. My quiet weekend is just what I want. Also, Evan and I have a trip for the two of us planned to get away together to Aruba in a few weeks as well, which will be incredible. This type of celebration could not be more perfect.
All along, I think I wanted more from my life, but I didn't know it. I was desperate for stronger, deeper connections with my family and more authentic relationships with friends. I was left feeling unfulfilled for so long, searching for happiness at the bottom of a wine bottle on a Friday night. I am so grateful that I put the bottle down and walked away from it all. Further, I am proud that I am now helping others by telling my story and inspiring women just like me to do the same through my writing.
Recently, someone told me that this decade is where all the bullshit starts to fade away.
That is something I truly believe, and I am ready for it. I am prepared for the next decade. I am excited to face it with both feet on the ground. I am braver than I have ever been. Because I am sober. I am curious, confident and thrilled for what awaits me down the road. And I know that whatever it is, I can handle it.
